In a Toxic Friendship? Ask Yourself this Question to Find Out.

This post is the intellectual property of Jennifer Silverman. Posts, columns, and articles, etc. may only be reprinted with the express written consent of the author. The author’s byline, bio, and copyright notice must be retained in their entirety. Please click here to refer to blog disclaimers. Or, if you wish to reprint or feature a post, please click here to complete the contact form. A version of this piece was published in Florida's oldest weekly newspaper, The News Leader.

BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN

When it comes to learning life lessons, some are easily cultivated:

“Look both ways before you cross the street to avoid becoming roadkill.”

“Don’t stare directly at the sun if you value your eyesight.”  

“Give respect to get respect.”

On the flip side, we’ve all encountered the nagging lessons which habitually hurl in our direction the hard way - as though we’re powerless to catch a wayward boomerang.

As the brilliant Maya Angelou quote goes, “When you know better, you do better.”

We may think we know better, but for some reason, we don’t quite do better.

In actuality, maybe we don’t really know better at all - because we haven’t fully accepted the life lesson in question.

Spiritual author, Gabby Bernstein frequently declares, "What we resist will persist."

Case in point, we understand that hurt people hurt people. Nevertheless, we continue to take responsibility when we’re on the receiving end of bad behavior.

We recognize that forgiveness has the power to set us free, but we can’t bring ourselves to forfeit our anger.

We subject ourselves to detrimental, toxic friendships or situations time and again because we prioritize others' needs over our own.

Philanthropist, mogul, and best-selling author Jamie Kern Lima is my latest guru. In her personal development masterpiece, Worthy, she advises readers to honestly examine the people with whom they surround themselves by asking this question:

ARE MY FRIENDSHIPS SUPPORTIVE "CIRCLES" OR TOXIC "CAGES?"

Circles = Friends who uplift and empower us, thereby reinforcing our self worth. They surround us with support and accept us unconditionally for who we truly are - even if we're quirky, or stubborn, or shoe-obsessed.

Cages = "Friends" who attempt to cage us in by pressuring us to conform to their beliefs, views, and expectations on the premise of conditional acceptance, approval, and belonging - which is way messed up if you think about it. If someone in your life won't agree to disagree with you about whatever, are they really your friend? (Of course, criminal activity etc. is obviously an exception. You know, just making sure we're on the same page.)

I’ve been giving the question of whether certain friendships are toxic, a lot of thought lately. Over the past several years, I’ve struggled with the life lesson that not all relationships are meant to last forever, and furthermore, that negative people need not be admitted into my life.

A few years back, I endured a business breakup, parting ways with a former dear friend and colleague in volatile, excruciating fashion - when I finally stopped tolerating mistreatment.

Just recently, I’ve consciously vamoosed myself from one friendship, and I'm realizing that another one also warrants a parting of the ways.

Taking what Kern Lima said to heart and reflecting on my earlier relationship, both current "friends" do indeed fall into the “cage” category.

The first one is seeking a one-sided friendship, and the second one pushes me to conform.

These folks are by no means bad people, and everyone deserves a supportive circle. However, I’m finally beginning to understand that friendships without genuine acceptance are not genuine friendships.

Way back when, I would have driven myself up the wall fretting about relinquishing a friendship, all the while feeling endlessly guilty.

These days, I can accept that a relationship which fails to last a lifetime is not a failure.

Relationships serve us in different ways at different times in our lives, as do our roles in those relationships for others.

We don’t need to keep someone around because they are already there.

Likewise, beating ourselves up for no longer pursuing relationships that aren’t working is nothing but detrimental.

At the end of the day, we’re not obligated to attend every party just because we’re invited.

Life should not be about people pleasing.

It’s far more fulfilling to savor our precious time and share it with those who value us, and with whom we value in return, cage-free.

---

Wait up! It looks like you’ve reached the end of the road on this particular blog post. You might be wondering where to go from here. May I suggest some delightful destinations, conveniently located on CuriousColumist.com?

THE BLOG MECCA – You’re on a reading roll. Why stop here? More quirky commentary on all sorts of subjects is just a click away.

THE CURIOUS COLUMNIST SHOP – Retail therapy is legit, therapy. Shop all The Curious Columnist’s picks - from bargain beauty buys to luxe home décor. These curated online shopping recommendations have something for everyone.

THE SUBSCRIBE BOX – Typically, most of us avoid being boxed in like the plague. Fortunately, this box is all about broadening horizons – no confinement in this castle of curiosity. (Simply give the link a click and then scroll down - it's the scenic route.)

THE CONTACT FORM – Sometimes, we have a hankering to drop a line. Maybe you work for Oprah Daily and are looking to hire an unconventional freelance lifestyle writer – hint, hint. (Hey, a girl can dream.) Maybe a burning question is beckoning you to buzz. Maybe you have a craving to comment. Regardless, feel free to get in touch.

Thanks again for stopping by!

Full Disclosure - because I'm upfront like that. I utilize THE styling platform, GoodPix, as well as the Amazon Associates Program, to create shoppable content and affiliate links. I do snag a small commission on any fab finds purchased. I only recommend items I love - and/or items Petunia loves.

Interested in creating a GoodPix account to create your own shoppable masterpiece? Click here to sign up for a free trial if you please. (We'll each be $20 wealthier if you opt for the brilliant decision to become a member.)