Learn to Forgive by Feeling Your Feelings.

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BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN

Is it just me, or do you adore multiple-choice questions, too?

Really, what's not to like?

Multiple-choice questions transform big, complex notions into straightforward statements.

And they create clarity in tidy little bubbles. Plus, the answer to the question is already there. (Coloring in the bubbles also happens to be kind of fun.)

In that spirit, here’s a doozy of a life lesson I’ve been pondering:

What do you do when a loved one lets you down big time, leaving you feeling disappointed, depleted, or devastated?

A) Do you just let the hurt go? (Since you obviously possess superhuman powers.) 

B) Do you decree that the culprit will no longer live rent-free in your head and commit to learning how to forgive? 

C) Do you pledge your undying devotion to the offender’s eventual downfall, and begin plotting your revenge?

Each distinct multiple-choice option speaks to the injured party’s state of mind post-incident.

The folks who opt for option “A” are a rare breed who don’t give negativity the time of day. Good for them. (I suspect they are actually undercover extraterrestrials on a mission to observe humankind - thus the superhuman powers.)

Option “B” is the choice of wise souls who know a thing or two about living their best lives. (Let’s get them cloned.)

Despite a negative rap, option “C” is how many of us initially react to heartbreak.

Of course, since very few of us happen to be criminal masterminds, this pathway tends to be an exercise in futility.

If only forgiveness was as simple as coloring in a multiple-choice bubble and getting on with life.

• So, why is forgiveness so hard?

  
  

• And how do we begin trying to forgive?

  
  

• Furthermore, is forgiveness really possible?

I would wager a hefty bet that forgiving what you can't forget, is the uphill battle of uphill battles because most of us can’t get past the misconceptions about forgiveness.

What if the act of forgiving someone requires neither forgetting, nor condoning the offender’s actions?

In those terms, the forgiveness climb seems a bit less like Everest and a bit more like a hop, skip, and a jump.

When I was in the thick of my divorce drama, I read a lot about forgiveness.

Don't get me wrong. I had nada interest in forgiving my ex, nor his parental puppeteers for their manipulative, meddling, and mean behavior.

However, I knew that clinging to all that negativity was tantamount to guzzling daily doses of the metaphorical poison they had tried so frantically to force down my throat.

What I eventually realized was that forgiveness is not about letting those who wronged us off the hook. (God forbid.)

The purpose of forgiveness is to prevent the hurtful conduct of others from holding us back.

During my quest to learn how to forgive, I turned as usual to the great and powerful, Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asserts that forgiveness truly means surrendering the hope that the past could have been any different.

This includes obsessing over the why’s, questioning our decisions, and trying to make sense of nonsense. 

As for how to achieve the illusive act of forgiveness, Oprah suggests meeting pain as it rises within and allowing it to “pass through.”  

Doing so, says Oprah, enables us to let go of the past and step out of history, into the now.

If you’re anything like me, Oprah’s forgiveness quote sounds poetic and even revolutionary, but I had no earthly idea how to allow emotion of any kind to “pass through” in an effort to forgive.

Eventually though, the guidance clicked.

During my divorce proceedings, my ex was legally permitted to enter my residence at whim.

One day, I was home alone.

I heard a car door slam and succumbed to panic that my ex had returned.

Immediately, fear, anger, hurt - you name it, rushed to the surface.

In that moment, I channeled my inner Oprah, breathed deep, and truly felt my smorgasbord of feelings, rather than pushing them away.

In doing so, I successfully allowed my emotions to “pass through.”

After a few seconds, the anxiety subsided, and I remembered that I was capable of dealing with the situation. (Luckily, the door slam was the result of an Amazon delivery van, not an ex invasion.)

So, is forgiveness actually possible?

By Oprah's definition, as long as you can get on board with the reality that there are indeed no time machines, forgiveness is achievable.

The present you will never discover a time warp to rescue the previous you. (Alas, life is not an episode of Quantum Leap.)

If you do still indulge in the occasional vengeful daydream, it's not a problem. I consider it perfectly healthy in moderation.

Like it or not, as Oprah declared, there is no changing the past. And in retrospect, that's probably a good thing.

I once read that the present is only a gift if we are able to receive it.

Per usual, Oprah sums it all up best by advising we “forgive and set ourselves free.”

Thus, I'm inclined to add a new multiple-choice response to the existential question of what to do when a loved one lets us down.

May I suggest option “D” - forgiveness? It's a pathway to freedom.    

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