Good Ghosting Gets a Bad Rap in Dating & Life.

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BY JENNIFER SILVERMAN

More than likely, you’ve encountered the term, “ghosting” somewhere in today’s techy zeitgeist.

"Ghosting" was initially coined to describe behavior unbecoming to dating app users who lose interest in conversing, and abruptly cease all contact, vanishing into thin air with nary a farewell.

Although “ghosting” by definition was previously associated solely with virtual interactions, lately the phenomenon appears to be playing poltergeist with society as a whole.

Suddenly, ghosting is the accusation de jour for all sorts of would-be radio-silent encounters.

• Customer service agents don’t just hang up on us anymore, they ghost us.

• Vendors don’t just keep us waiting for quotes these days, they ghost us.

• Friends don’t simply get preoccupied and forget to call us back, they ghost us.

As the spooky tactic continues to become more prevalent, ghosting is developing quite a bad rap.

Many see ghosting someone as a means of avoidance, sparing the phantom perpetrators among us the messy job of dealing with our own emotions or the emotions of others, and thereby, perhaps cowardly evading confrontation.

Essentially, ghosting is tantamount to awarding ourselves the ultimate hall pass from sticky situations or hurtful conversations.

Although cruel cases of this shadowy cop out method are not cool, society is seemingly becoming way too eager to call out the ghosts among us.

It’s as though responses are now always obligatory, and when we elect to not acknowledge correspondence, the world deems us in the wrong. 

In an era where most communication comes down to typing, is ghosting the ultimate faux paus, or is it sometimes the only option?

A common misconception is that all forms of non-responses equate to getting ghosted. Au contraire.

First off, folks can’t be victims of ghosting if they are taking it upon themselves to attempt to create an interaction that is totally one-sided.

A decision to not address unsolicited messages can't be classified as ghosting, since there was no exchange in the first place.

What really gets my goat is finger pointers who throw around the ghosting accusation when a recipient opts to not reply to unsolicited emails or texts.

Whatever happened to concluding an uninvited email with “thanks for your time” or “I hope to connect?” Remarks like these respect the fact that we possess free will to react in the manner we choose.

This may be a controversial stance, but sometimes, bad behavior warrants ghosting.

Pursuers, well-intended or not, who initiate offensive, pushy, or disrespectful communication are not entitled to a response. Those who have crossed a line or disrespected a boundary are often ghosted with good reason.  

At the end of the day, why should we subject ourselves to inappropriate content of any kind? If ghosting is a non-malicious means of quashing something we didn’t ask for nor agree to, isn’t it our prerogative?

The prevailing opinion on cutting off ongoing contact is that the kindest method is to first provide feedback.

In theory, justified, good ghosting comes about when attempts to eliminate undesirable communication are ignored or contested, or when we are made to feel uncomfortable.

Making a connection is never a given – it’s a privilege.

Ghosting is sometimes the only way of saying “thanks but no thanks” and making it stick, especially if prior attempts to decline are ignored.

During my career as an NYC TV wardrobe stylist, I was accustomed to dealing with personalities who periodically had unrealistic expectations of appropriate interaction. To combat situations with individuals who tended to ignore boundaries, my colleagues and I employed one mantra at all times – “do not engage.”

So, I have no desire to engage with ghostbusters who place judgement on decisions to not communicate, as well as individuals who attempt to force unwanted contact.

Despite the often manipulative pressures that others endeavor to inflict upon us, haunting is our prerogative.

We have every right to pick and choose our interactions.

We are not indebted to strangers or acquaintances who expect us to share our time.

Afterall, ghost stories only become legendary when apparitions grace a select few with their paranormal presence.

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